Phillips Screwdriver as Morecambe Throw Away The Points
I’ve noticed a recent trend in the media to try and start any sort of article with Good News in order to increase the morale of our beleaguered nation. If this Good News can be related to the Coronavirus pandemic, all the better. So please share with me my delight at having received a very lucrative contract from HM Government to help with the Track & Trace method of controlling the spread of the disease. It seems – despite our Great Leader’s promise of almost a year ago to have the best T&T Scheme to be found anywhere on the planet within weeks – that there have been, shall we say – teething problems. Yes – despite Boris’ handing out of huge amounts of our money to his Old Etonian pals to organise it, creating a decent T&T clearly – and very surprisingly – isn’t as simple as making a G&T. Gosh – who’d have bally well thought it, you chaps? So I thought I’d step into the breach and help. Here’s the letter I sent to him a month ago:
“Dear Prime Minister,
I would like to offer my own unique expertise to contribute to your brilliant Track and Trace system. I have absolutely no experience of dealing with the general public nor have I a clue as to how to go about plotting or recording the movements of particular individuals. But I do believe in Brexit, have always voted Conservative and – even more crucially than these two key criteria – did once briefly work at Belle Vue Greyhound Track which – with all due modesty – makes me ideally suited for this very challenging job. Equally, my partner Tracey also has absolutely no experience in this sphere but she is also a True Blue Tory. I am sure you will be personally delighted to learn that she also takes a 40” `D’ Cup and has an excellent working knowledge of the Kama Sutra. (`Trace’ is also a great personal fan of your Excellency.) In anticipation of selflessly offering our unique Track and Trace services to the nation, I have taken the liberty of making a large personal investment in the latest technology to achieve immediate and peerless results: two Pay As You Go phones from Tesco Mobile; a spiral-bound notebook – two HB pencils and (it’s the small details that really count, I’m sure you will agree) no less than four erasers for rubbing-out (two might not be sufficient).
Yours etc”
So there we have it – my own Good News story to start this report. All we need as a nation to defeat this viral threat to Britannia – as Mr Johnson might well have phrased it himself – is determination, a large dose of good old British grit – and a total absence of any sense of reality.
So let’s move on to a man who nobody could suggest lives in a world of his own or makes promises which are never fulfilled. Derek Adams has taken just twelve months to lead Morecambe Football Club from perennial strugglers to stay in the EFL to fourth position in League Two. His team have won three of their last five league games and lost just one. Tonight’s visitors to the Mazuma Stadium – Tranmere Rovers – have an even better recent record, though: they have won all three of their last three League Two matches and drawn the two before that.
Lots of things have changed at Prenton Park since Morecambe won there last Halloween. Previous Manager Mike Jackson was sacked immediately after the game and former Rochdale boss Keith Hill has steadied the ship since his appointment during November. Tranmere arrived in North Lancashire in eighth position in the table with their eyes clearly focused on the Play-Off positions. Rovers also have a pretty good win ratio against the Shrimps: they have won four and drawn one of their seven previous meetings. Mr Hill had this to say prior to the game against the club where he ended his own playing career eighteen years ago:
“It will be a difficult game, but it is a game that we are really looking forward to and we don’t fear anyone, and we have got a lot of confidence. I think Morecambe are doing brilliantly. Derek Adams is a terrific manager and I remember what he did at Plymouth. He was there for nearly five years and he had some great years. He’s turned Morecambe into promotion candidates, they are very difficult to play against, but they are very pleasing to watch. It will be about scrapping, it will be about tacking and contesting and winning duels, and ultimately then we want to go and play football. It is an exciting game to be going into considering the type of form that both teams are in, and we are just hoping for another good team performance.”
One of the problems his opposite number was going to have to address if he wanted to continue his winning streak was the unexplained unavailability of loads of Morecambe players; Mark Halstead; Alex Kenyon; A-Jay Leitch-Smith; Greg Lyons and – last but definitely not least, midfield dynamo Aaron Wildig. The mystery deepened when Derek told the local press earlier in the week: “We have a number of issues but, due to confidentiality, I can’t let anyone know what the situation is. I understand that it’s disappointing from the supporters’ point of view but it’s the situation that we’re in.” Inevitably, speculation as to what was really going on behind the scenes – Wildig being about to sign for one of two unspecified League One clubs and Carlos Mendes-Gomes moving to Blackpool for example – has been rampant. Let’s hope that these rumours are ill-founded. Whatever’s happening (or not happening), Derek is not letting on – so everybody just had to get on with it. And one of the people who had to get on with it was Kyle Letheren, who made his debut in goal for the Shrimps today.
It had been really stormy for the last twenty-four hours or so by the side of the Irish Sea in North Lancashire before kick-off. Rovers must have won the toss because they elected to play the first half with an absolutely bitterly cold gale at their backs: unusually, the wind was blowing towards, rather than off the sea today. In a half where I don’t recall even a single corner kick, both teams tried to play their way through the other rather than booting the ball long. Morecambe attacked down their right within the first minute and won a free-kick which was cleared just in front of the visitors’ goal-line before the ball found its way to Toumani Diagouraga, whose instant shot just missed the goal to his left. Twelve minutes had gone when John O’Sullivan received the ball with his back to goal and cheekily used his heel to steer it into the heart of the action but Tranmere were able to clear it. A minute later, there was another half-chance for Morecambe but Adam Phillips over-hit the ball on the left and ex-Shrimps’ stopper Scott Davies was able to leave his line and smother the ball. A minute later, Cole Stockton also chose to back-heel the ball in the Rovers’ area but again, it came to nothing. Carlos Mendes-Gomes played his part in the Carlos/Phillips show after twenty-two minutes with a classic pass which Adam took round Davies before putting it in the net but Referee Paul Howard had already blown for offside. Kyle Letheren had nothing much to do during his first 45 minutes for Morecambe and Peter Clarke’s wind-assisted shot from a long way out after 34 minutes went quite well wide of the target. At the other end a minute later, Carlos unexpectedly received the ball from a Tranmere player, passed to Cole who in turn tried to set-up Phillips with a ball on the right but again put too much oomph into the pass. But Mendes-Gomes was instrumental in a key moment in the match after 36 minutes when he did well to again set-up Stockton who took a shot which Tranmere’s Jay Spearing clearly handled in the penalty area. Mr Howard pointed to the spot. In a replay of the key moment from Prenton Park last year, Phillips stepped-up to take the kick. We all expected a power-driver of a shot. But he screwed his effort over the bar. Power-driver; screwed it – does that make it a Phillips’ Screwdriver? Maybe he was just blinded by Scott Davies’ Barbie costume which was so bright pink as to be almost fluorescent.
It’s always disappointing when a professional footballer misses a penalty but what happened right at the end of the half is not only un-professional but actually totally unforgivable. Paul Lewis was clearly hurt when he went over the back of one of his team-mates and landed heavily on his shoulder when trying to clear the ball for Rovers. When the referee finally stopped play so he could receive treatment, it would appear that Yann Songo’o took exception to it. Apparently, he swore right in the Ref’s face – and was duly shown a straight red card. What can you say? Certainly not what he did…
So the second half showed a total change in tactics from the home team. Cole was pushed up front totally alone and Phillips, Sully and Carlos dropped back to try and stop the Tranmere tide. Rovers won a quite astonishing ten corner kicks at least in the next forty-five minutes and spent most of the time camped in the Morecambe half. Cole had a shot after 52 minutes which went well over the bar. And that was the sum total of Morecambe’s attacking efforts. An hour had been played when substitute Danny Lloyd’s excellent cross from the right was headed wide by Lewis when well placed. Then Letheren made a superb save high to his left from the same player at the expense of a corner about a minute later. A curious decision was made by Referee Howard after 62 minutes. He showed Ryan Cooney a Yellow Card for a foul on Liam Feeney. Then he awarded a free kick to the visitors even though the offence was clearly committed within the Morecambe penalty area. But Morecambe’s luck finally – and inevitably – ran out after seventy-three minutes when Lloyd’s excellent cross from the Rovers’ left was headed home by Kaiyne Woollery. Tranmere could – and probably should – have scored more and one of the few bright spots for the Shrimps was the form of newcomer Letheren. Other than that, this was a match to forget for Derek Adams and his team, who simply let him down today.
The win pushed Tranmere just above Morecambe into fourth spot. They are both level with third-placed Cheltenham on 41 points.
Morecambe: 1 Kyle Letheren; 4 Nathaniel Knight-Percival; 3 Stephen Hendrie (Y); 5 Sam Lavelle (C) (19 Liam McAlinden 90’); 8 Toumani Diagouraga; 9 Cole Stockton; 11 Carlos Mendes-Gomes (6 Harry Davis 80’); 20 Adam Phillips; 24 Yann Songo’o (R); 16 John O’Sullivan (15 Brad Lyons 86’); 21 Ryan Cooney (Y).
Subs not used: 13 André da Silva Mendes; 18 Ben Pringle; 7 Jordan Slew; 22 Liam Gibson.
Tranmere Rovers: 1 Scott Davies (C); 6 Manny Monthe; 8 Jay Spearing (Y); 9 James Vaughan; 14 Kaiyne Woollery (3 Liam Ridehalgh 88’); 16 Nya Kirby (35 Danny Lloyd 45’); 17 Otis Khan; 18 Calum MacDonald; 19 Liam Feeney; 22 Paul Lewis; 26 Peter Clarke.
Subs not used: 13 Joe Murphy; 2 Lee O’Connor; 7 Kieron Morris; 12 Charlie Jolley; 21 George Ray.
Ref: Paul Howard
