Vegans Do Not Devour Shrimps…
Let’s start with a little quiz. Who was once presented with a bowl of soup which had lots of vegetables but also small pieces of meat in it and refused to eat it on the basis that it was actually `Corpse Broth’? Was it a) Sara Pascoe, well-known blonde Vegan comedienne and member of the tiny clique who have all alleged British `comedy’ on the telly totally sewn-up at the moment? Or was it b) Dale Vince, Chairman of the only Vegan football club on the planet, Forest Green Rovers? Could it just have been c) Adolf Hitler, the well-known Austrian amateur painter and full-time Megalomaniac? (Answer at the end of the piece.)
Morecambe travelled to Nailsworth in Gloucestershire today to be the guests of Forest Green Rovers at the New Lawn, where the, er, new lawn is cut by a robot and the only cruelty to animals ever associated with the club concerns their Manager Mark Cooper’s Dad – Terry. (He regularly kicked lots of other players as part of his contractual obligations to Don Revie’s Leeds United.) Nailsworth is a tiny place; population just over two thousand souls. But Chairman Vince wants to move the club to a location with an even smaller catchment area: three sheep and a few rabbits according to one of their own supporters. The club unashamedly claims to be `the world’s greenest football club’. Their Chairman also wants to exploit another word from their title – `Forest’ – by chopping-down a large slice of one in order to build a brand-new wooden stadium nearer to the M5. Mr Vince has lots of Right-On and Environmentally-sustainable reasons for so doing. Yeah baby: he’s, like, totally cool: even the team’s strip is organic and made from coffee beans, which is why they take a Barista with them on away trips as well as a Kit Man. They don’t really. At least – I don’t think they do… But the plans for a wooden stadium remain in the future.
In the present, Mark Cooper’s team went into the game tonight on the back of three wins and two losses during their last five League Two matches. They were one place – third -and two points better-off than tonight’s opponents, albeit having played one game fewer. In previous EFL clashes, FGR had lost three of the six contests but also won three, most recently when they came from behind to win at the Mazuma Arena by two goals to one last October. They looked like a really good team then – particularly in the second half. But they have had a mercurial record this season, losing to teams – 3-0 at Stevenage two games ago and 1-3 at home to struggling Southend just two weeks ago for instance – who you would expect them to beat nine times out of ten. So could the Shrimps emulate the Shrimpers tonight? They started the match on the back of four wins and a single defeat in their last five league games. They’ve won both of their last matches by the same score – 3-1 – and have played some really good stuff – front and back – at times this season. Morecambe Manager Derek Adams has this to say about the opposition before the game:
“It’s a great venue with a fantastic pitch to play on and with Forest Green being just above us in the table it’s a good game for us to have. Forest Green have had another good season and our game against them last time was a very good football match. They’re one of the best teams in the league and we look forward to facing them again. I quite like them as a club, they try to do things in a different way from other people. They believe in their ethos and their principles, which is a big thing. It’s a very well run football club who have a good manager in Mark Cooper and some very good, talented players.”
That `very good manager’ said the following prior to the match:
“Morecambe have done fantastically well. If you look at their squad, they’ve got some real stand-up pros who know what it’s about. The back four from Saturday are all powerful units and they’ve got quality at the top of the pitch in Carlos Mendes-Gomes, Cole Stockton and John O’Sullivan. They have experience in midfield with Toumani Diagouraga and Yan Songo’o too. People are talking about Morecambe like it’s a shock, but it’s not. They have a manager that has been promoted from this level and they have players in that squad that know what it takes to win.”
It was dry as FGR ran out onto their perfectly manicured, organic pitch at seven o’clock. Yes, folks – even the worms are Vegan here. (Thinks – are worms Vegan anyway? Now there’s a thought I never expected to have…) What unfolded was a really good half of football. The difference between the two sides – in my humble opinion – for the first little while at least was the man who whose stalled career was rejuvenated by Jim Bentley at Morecambe two years ago: Aaron Collins. Sporting a hairstyle remarkably similar to fellow-countryman Gareth Bale’s, he was the Forest’s most potent threat. Morecambe pressed high up the field throughout the first half and it was Rovers who were playing on the counter-attack most of the time. Collins provided a glimpse of what was to come after just five minutes when he personally led a counter-charge after pinching the ball in his own half and unleashing a tremendous strike which Kyle Letheren did well to push over his bar to his right for a corner. Collins took these – and all their other dead ball kicks – as well. Nine minutes were on the clock when Aaron showed us all at Morecambe what we are missing by scoring a truly outstanding goal. The Shrimps had been attacking again but he received the ball and again took it almost the length of the field before finding Josh Davison on the Rovers’ right, who in turn played the ball to a team-mate who fed it back to Collins, who controlled, turned and shot to beat compatriot Letheren in the visitors’ net all ends up from the FGR left.
After they had scored, though, Morecambe if anything increased the intensity of their play. They had already created chances as John O’Sullivan, Aaron Wildig and Cole Stockton played well together and Carlos Mendes-Gomes was a threat throughout on their left flank. Carlos had a shot blocked after one minute; Aaron another after three. But there was a moment when I at least had my heart in my mouth. After a quarter of an hour, a ball was simply hoofed forward from the Forest Green half to land in front of Letheren, who seemed to me to totally misjudge the bounce of the ball. Thankfully, it bounced over his bar instead of over his head into the net. Four minutes later, following good approach play down their right by the hosts including a clever back-heel, Kane Wilson only just missed with a low shot at the near post. But after 21 minutes, the visitors were level with a goal which – in its own way – was just as good as the one which preceded it. A long looping ball fell out of the sky in the Forest penalty area for Cole to control it in one move and turn and shoot in the next one. Luke McGee probably never even saw the ball as it shot past him into the net. A minute later, Morecambe came close again with a header from a free-kick which went just wide of the target. Liam Gibson showed skill and determination after 25 minutes to get behind the Rovers’ defence: his low cross went right across the home goalmouth but there was nobody there to convert it. Two minutes later, Collins was away again on the FGR right but his shot from a long way out was easily saved by the opposition goalkeeper this time. An incident happened shortly after this which would have ramifications during the second half. Harry Davis seemed to deliberately bring-down Jamille Matt with a bad challenge as the FGR forward looked like getting away from him as the Shrimps’ defender lay on the ground. Matt was treated for quite some time on the pitch afterwards but Referee Trevor Kettle saw nothing amiss and Harry got away with it. Cole then received a ball on the right wing just over the half way line and sent an instant looping pass way over to the other side of the pitch which Carlos – in the clear on the left flank – only just failed to connect with. Then O’Sullivan was involved in a race with Dom Bernard for the ball on the left hand side of the FGR penalty area from John’s point of view after 38 minutes. Down he went. Bernard was not impressed and there were handbags at close range when Sully allowed the Irish Mist to descend and reacted in a similarly aggressive manner. We were denied the usual commentary tonight on i-Follow by the Shrimpartial Twins. So I feel obliged to ad-lib in their style at this juncture in case anyone is suffering Withdrawal Symptoms. You could clearly hear the Ref tell the players to behave themselves as he produced the yellow card for both of them: any more nonsense from either of them and they would be “Down the tunnel!”
And that’s how the Kettle stopped things boiling over.
There, it’s done. No – no it’s not. I feel obliged to also mention the other important thing our commentary team always – and endlessly – speculate about. And that is: what other people are eating. So I can assure one and all that the Referee had a plate of the crisps named after him following the match with a packet of his favourite biscuits to follow. They are also named after him. He shook the packet before opening it. It tells you to on the wrapper: you know: Russell Hobbs-Nobs. Time for a break now? I think so…
The second half was nothing like as good to watch – initially at least – as the first one had been. I wondered if the two teams had basically worked out how their opponents played and were cancelling each other out. Collins had a weak effort early on and you wondered if he had shot his bolt as his influence in the second half was a fraction of what it had been in the first. Carlos tested McGee with a shot from a long way out after 49 minutes which the goalkeeper saved without too much trouble. But almost immediately afterwards, he was caught dilly-dallying by the same player on the edge of his penalty area and – panic-stricken – attempted to boot the ball away. It hit Carlos and could have gone anywhere: but McGee was able to recover it, very luckily for him. Morecambe fashioned a few more opportunities but their best chance of taking the lead arrived with fifty-four minutes on the clock. More good approach play saw the ball reach Stockton, whose instant shot was blocked but ran invitingly towards Sam Lavelle, whose attempt was deflected for a corner kick. The game was quite scrappy by now and Collin’s hopeless shot which almost cleared the roof of the stand after almost an hour was totally in keeping with things at this juncture. Wildig was run into by team-mate Sully shortly afterwards and both needed treatment on the pitch. (Bernard took the opportunity when the referee blew his whistle to stop the game when this happened to give Mendes-Gomes a very crafty kick – and got away with it.) But more skulduggery lay just around the corner. After Sully – at full stretch at the far post – had headed Wildig’s cross from the left just wide of the far post with 63 minutes played, the ball was hoofed from the FGR half up into Morecambe territory. Yann Songo’o and Jamille Matt challenged for it and it seemed to me that Yann received a trailing arm from Forest’s huge centre forward in the face when this happened. Just as Matt had during the first half, down went the Morecambe defender. Honours even? Well not really. Songo’o was probably still feeling the effect a few minutes later when Wilson and Collins combined well on the Rovers’ right; a cross was sent over and Matt scored with a header. Should he still have been on the field? Uum… There were twelve minutes plus injury time left for the visitors to salvage anything from this game. Two weeks ago, at home to Salford, 90 minutes arrived with them in a losing position. Then they scored two goals – and won. And tonight, they didn’t give up either. As FGR attempted to waste time and hold on to what they had, the Shrimps continued to press. They equalised in the third minute of stoppage time when the ball seemed to me to be headed over his own goalkeeper by a Rovers defender as he tried to clear it. The Official Record, however, has given it to Carlos. Well done that man…
It would have been a travesty if Morecambe had lost tonight. They played the better football for greater periods of the game in my opinion and I suspect that – without Aaron Collins – the Vegans would have actually lost. The point saw Morecambe drop one place in the table to sixth; FGR stay where they were in fourth.
Oh – and by the way, the answer to our little poser at the beginning is c), lovely old Vegetarian Adolf Hitler – who is probably best remembered for his obviously tremendously profound respect for all of god’s creatures – particularly the Soviet and Jewish ones…
Forest Green Rovers: 1 Luke McGee; 2 Kane Wilson; 3 Dom Bernard (Y); 5 Chris Stokes(C) (Y); 6 Baily Cargill; 10 Aaron Collins; 14 Jamille Matt; 20 Elliott Whitehouse; 21 Scott Wagstaff (17 Odin Bailey 65’); 22 Udoka Godwin-Malife; 23 Josh Davison (25 Jayden Richardson 64’).
Subs not used: 24 Lewis Thomas; 7 Isaac Hutchinson; 12 Taylor Allen; 18 Jake Young; 47 Luke Hallett.
Morecambe: 1 Kyle Letheren; 2 Kelvin Mellor (19 Liam McAlinden 86’); 5 Sam Lavelle (C); 8 Toumani Diagouraga; 6 Harry Davis (21 Ryan Cooney 86’); 22 Liam Gibson (Y) (3 Stephen Hendrie 83’); 9 Cole Stockton; 10 Aaron Wildig; 11 Carlos Mendes-Gomes; 16 John O’Sullivan (Y); 24 Yann Songo’o.
Subs not used: 12 Mark Halstead; 18 Ben Pringle; 20 Alex Denny; 23 Freddie Price.
Ref: Trevor Kettle.
